This blog is based off of real life experiences and thoughts behind those experiences.
What is causing our families cardiac arrest? What is the heart of families? Why, it's simple... DIVORCE is the emotional cardiac arrest of families... Families are built on love. When the love ceases to breath it suffers cardiac arrest.
*Before reading any further, there are situations that arise in marriages where one party has to get out for their/ their family's own safety. I don't want anyone to stay in unfortunate situations (truly unfortunate) because of reading this blog post. Sometimes there are no other options but to divorce*
The heart of a family is the love that a couple has for one another. This weekend I was faced with a real-time example of how divorce hemorrhages pain through other people that are involved and affects more than just the said couple. This weekend I spent a great deal of time with extended family that is suffering from divorce and abandonment. In this blog, I am going to be vague, yet to the point. I understand that not everyone will agree with every aspect of my feelings, but I am entitled to my feelings. I, also, understand that there are situations that arise which calls for immediate separation or divorce. Some of those are abuse (not just physical), infidelity and more...
Statistics show that the divorce rate in America is sky high. Statistics show that divorce is almost becoming the new normal. It is normal for kids to grow up in broken homes while being swapped in custody exchanges. Why? Why is the divorce rate so high? Why is this the new normal? I would suggest, besides the obvious reasons for immediate divorce, that either one or both parties in a marriage refuses to fight for their marriage. In an instant society, it's easier to throw the marriage away and find another 'fish in the sea' or just remain single the rest of your life.
Should marriage be a fight? One thing that I have learned in my marriage of two years is that the enemy tries to steal, kill and destroy our marriage. The enemy knows how to utilize those things and people to destroy a marriage that was built on faith, hope and love. The enemy utilizes families and friends to place seeds of doubt. The enemy uses co-workers to place thoughts of unhappiness. The enemy uses troubled finances. The enemy uses laundry and dirty dishes, too. lol. I believe it is the number one job of the enemy to destroy the very things that have been ordained by God and the enemy strikes marriages to cripple families. Fight for you marriage. The fight is not against your spouse, but the fight is against the principalities of darkness that are attacking your marriage.
How does my marriage failing cripple my family? Let's face it... Your family knows your spouse. Your kids know their (step)father or (step)mother and more than likely have bonded. Whether you've been married 40 years or 4 months, you family has formed some kind of bond with your significant other. When divorce happens, generally, one party will no longer have relationship with the family. Yes, there may still be custody exchanges, etc... Divorce affects everyone involved. Honestly, in my marriage, we try to spend time with all of our family. Unfortunately, having a relationship with family is double sided. You can't have a one sided relationship, even with family... Period... It will not work long term. If Christina was removed from my family, it would devastate those that are closest to us. The one's that truly have been supportive of our relationship and knows the type of couple that we are would feel some of that hemorrhaging hurt that I mentioned earlier. It would hemorrhage from us, initially, and flow onto those close to us. Why? Because you hurt when someone you love is hurting.
How do I fight for it, I'm so tired? From personal experiences, life brings routine. In routine, we sometimes get complacent to continue doing things to get by each day. BREAK THE ROUTINE before the routine BREAKS YOU. Don't sit at home watching Saturday morning cartoons every weekend, get out with your spouse and go somewhere different. If you go to Walmart every Saturday, change it up and go to the mall or Target. Drive to the nearest tourist town and hold hands while walking around. Enjoy each other's company. Feel free to date again!! One thing that Christina and myself will do is date. Yes, we're married, but we still date. We go have fun and experience new things together. We live life together.
How can my marriage thrive? With only 2 1/2 years of marriage under my belt, this is something that we are still figuring out. We take things day by day. We have our good days and we have our bad days. We have days where one of us may want to walk away. We have days where we never want to walk away. Set goals in your marriage. Set goals together. This will give you something to thrive toward.
Here are 10 practical and simple ways that we make our marriage thrive:
1.) We are grounded in our local church - Small groups are next for us
2.) We communicate effectively and efficiently - Never, ever go to bed mad. Talk or write it out!
3.) We dust off the petty things - we don't fight about who is doing laundry or cleaning bathrooms
4.) We allow no one to come in between us - sometimes you have to lose people along the way
5.) We have short and long term marriage goals - We talk about them together.
6.) We hold hands in public (PDA) -We even hold hands at the table sometimes. We're that couple.
7.) We no longer fight over chores - We help each other. We don't worry about getting credit.
8.) We consistently communicate throughout the day - A lot of times by text or FB, if we're busy.
9.) We involve family in our lives - But they don't consume every free moment.
10.) Freely we give - We find favor in the sight of God by giving to help people as a couple
Do not be a lazy spouse. When you married, you agreed to tackle things together.
While being married, SUPPORT EACH OTHER!! No reasonable couple marries in hopes to file a divorce. No couple starts a family in hopes to be left alone to raise a child. Support one another. You can't feel like your marriage was predestined to be but not fight for your marriage.
Divorce is real, but should never be used as a threat so you can have your way.
Find a support group, pastor or counselor if you need to talk. Marriage counseling is not a bad thing. Marriage counseling can help you learn your spouse and gain knowledge from people who have been married a long time or been through many storms.
In between going through all of this turmoil the last few days, I have found hope. I was speaking to a dear relative on the phone about the situations that we have encountered because I needed advice. While I was on the phone with him, I vented about numerous of things. Since it is about transparency, I told this individual that the events of the immediate past were becoming too much for me and I didn't know how I could continue... I wanted out. I wanted life to be back normal again. I don't like confusion, period. The individual spoke words of life to me. He said, "Joshua, you and Christina have found favor with God in your marriage. You both are role models to people and don't even realize it. You both are blessed. Don't allow anyone or anything to separate what God has found favor with." Honestly, still hurt and drained, that made me mad. I didn't understand why I couldn't receive support to escape... However, I realized while venting my frustrations to Christina that in fact, he was supporting me and encouraging me to focus on reality. My reality is my marriage and Christina.
If you allow the turmoil, confusion and advice of others to dictate your relationship with your spouse, go ahead and plan for divorce. It would thrill the enemy to know that another marriage is destroyed and multiple lives are left picking up the pieces and asking what happened.
Remember to support your spouse. Love them as Christ loves the church. FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE so the family will no longer suffer this emotional cardiac arrest.
"Marriage is grand. Divorce is twenty grand." -- Jay Leno
